Proverbs 4:7

"Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding." ~Proverbs 4:7




In Memory of "NuNu"

My "Beautiful One from Heaven"

Zakia Noelani
September 1, 2004 ~ December 7, 2004


click her name to find out it's meaning



The Night Before......


     "Mama, what is that on your head?" she cooed. She stared at that thing all the while just cooing away. It was the first time she had ever said anything. Her beautiful brown eyes looked up in amazement at the scarf that was tied around my head. Colors of white, red, green, and yellow shined so bright before her. It was something she had never seen before. Her curiosity left her wondering. She had to ask. I wish you could have seen the cute little dent between her eyebrows as she looked on at what was so new. Or the formation of her lips in that perfect little "O". My mother and I took joy in listening to her as we talked on the phone before we turned in for the night.

     There she lay in my arms, her little arms outstretched, as if she tried to touch those colors herself. She was well aware. I tried to contain myself, but I couldn't. I was in love with that bundle-of-joy that lay before me. Her hair was dark,full and silky, her eyes a beautiful warm brown. She was my baby, my "Beautiful One from Heaven" (when I found her name in the name book, this is what the meaning was. Although that was almost nine years ago, the meaning has somewhat changed).

      At night she would lay on my chest. She wouldn't have it any other way. And I held her, comforted her. I inhaled her aroma, a scent that is still to me unexplainable. Let's just call it "purity". In the mornings before work, I would dress her so pretty and comb her beautiful black hair. I kissed her as I left. She would smile that smile of love. I would think to myself as I did with all of my children......"I don't know what I would do without you." Then it happened. 



She was gone......


     I woke up the next morning to get ready for work. She seemed to be sleeping so peacefully. I didn't have the heart to waken her. So I dressed her gently while she slept. My sister lived across the street at the time. She was her babysitter. Talk about a double blessing. I dropped her off. I took her to the room, laid her down on the bed, and kissed her goodbye while whispering these words, "Bye baby, Mommy loves you!" I made it my business to tell all of my children that. I still do. Should God happen to take me away from here and call me home, I would want those to be the last words they hear come out of my mouth.

     I went to work as usual that day and put in my 9 to 5. Just as I was getting ready to leave my booth. A co-worker informs me that I had a phone call waiting. So I pick up the phone only to hear a family friend tell me that she was coming to pick me up and that she would tell me what was wrong when she got here. I remember thinking what could be so wrong that she couldn't tell me. I even prayed that it wasn't too bad. My manager knew but she couldn't tell me. Even as I type this, I try to keep from crying as I play back what took place.

     I walk out just in time to find my mom getting out of her car and heading towards the building. I say her name to alert her that I was there. And that's when I heard the words...... "We've got to get to the hospital! It's NuNu (her nickname), they don't think she's going to make it!" I broke, screaming loudly to my knees. My mom helping me to get up and get in the car. Was what I heard true? Could my baby girl really be dead? I was hoping not. I wanted it to all be a dream. But it wasn't.

     I remember getting to the hospital waiting to hear the results. And that's when she came out and pulled my family into the room. She told me that my child did not make it. I had cried so hard on the way there that I had no tears left to cry. I remember trying to call her dad, but got no answer. My heart was hurting. I wanted to see my baby.  My family was grieving. I was grieving.

     Finally it came. They had arranged for a funeral home to come take her body away. But before that. I was allowed to hold her one last time. The nurse brought her and placed her lifeless body in my arms. My baby. My precious baby. I looked at her. I examined her body. There were a few puncture wounds were they gave IV's. I wanted to know what all they had done. I wanted to know where her clothes were. They had cleaned her up and put baby lotion in her hair. I looked at her some more. I felt the coldness of her skin. She looked as if she was sleeping. The blueness shown just at the thip of her tongue. She was gone and I had to let her go. It wasn't easy for any of us.

     I mainly felt sorry for my sister, who had to find her that way. I made sure that she was able to hold her one last time. She was so distraught that it caused her to have asthmatic spasms. They had to give her a breathing machine. Finally, she was able to calm down just enough to say her last goodbyes. She held her and tears just flowed down her face. She said, "I tried." She tried to bring my baby back to life.

     After we left the hospital, I went home to find that I couldn't sleep. A part of my family was missing. I was a single mom with four children and one of them was no more. I eventually ended up falling to sleep. After waking up the next day, I came across one of her onesies. I sat down with it and laid it across my shoulder. It felt as if her body was in my hands. I wanted to put the onesie down but I couldn't. I walked outside just down the walk to my mom's apartment. I sat outside a little while before I knocked on her door. Once inside, I broke down and she held me.

     Funeral arrangements were made. Her special outfit was picked out by my Aunt. I met with the funeral home the day before her "home-going". My daughter had to be dressed and I wanted to do it. Her body had swollen some from the embalming fluid but she was still beautiful. It hurt me to see the cuts on her head and chest from the autopsy to determine her actual cause of death: Due to the fact that she was wedged between a wall and the bed she slept on, her heart didn't get enough oxygen which caused her to suffocate. But I knew they had to be there. I dressed her, and I held her afterwards. Her dad had come with me. I can't imagine what he was feeling, seest that we both were mourning the death of our baby girl. The next day, she was laid to rest. And life as we knew it had to go on.

     I miss her dearly. And I can't wait to see her again. I am filled with the hope of knowing that she and her brother/sister are there awaiting our arrival in heaven. And for that, I press on.

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Special Dedication

On October 6, 2001, I lost a child due to miscarriage.
This is a poem that I wrote in his/her memory.

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An Honest Soul Taken

An honest soul taken
for the decision was out of my hands.
And there, you rest in a better place
up under God's precious embrace.

It hurts me to feel this emptiness that has bestowed me
because you should've been here
with me, with us, your family.

I still love you, Honest Soul Taken
You came by as a precious breeze
I just wish that I was given the chance to birth you
I just wish I was given the chance to hold you
I just wish I was given the chance to show you a mother's love.

But you are not without
for your mother's love is still here.
In body, mind, and soul, mainly in my heart
Where I feel such great loss.

You were never given the chance
to see your mother's eyes
to hear your father's voice
Your big brother and sister will know of you

Rest in Peace, dear one, we love you.

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Not too long ago, God laid it on my heart to name my child. Before then, I had never thought to give him/her a name. These are the names that I chose if she would have been a boy or a girl:

 Boy: Elijah Moses

Girl: Eliza Faith


     

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